When couples say they’ve never had conflict, it’s likely that one of two things may be happening. 1) They’re not being completely disclosing. Or 2) they’ve never really dug down to real intimacy. Couples are often afraid to admit that they disagree, have conflict, struggle with each other, or that they are just fundamentally different from one another.
Somehow, we have come to think that conflict is a bad thing, a weakness, and not something to embrace. But in reality, conflict is an opportunity for intimacy. Conflict occurs when we bring our differing perspectives to any situation. Conflict is good—it is necessary for growth. Contention, the need to be right and insist on our perspective being wholly adopted, creates distance, stems from pride, and isolates us from others.
Our differences can actually work to bring us to richer places together. My husband loves to wander. I always take the direct route. It was hard for me early on in our marriage to understand his need to take a different route to the grocery store when there was a much more efficient route. What I have finally come to understand is that he likes to explore in small daily activities like driving to the grocery store. Rather than a failing on his part, I’ve come to see that difference as a sign of his curiosity and engagement in everyday things. This is something, though a small difference between us, I’ve come to love (even though when I’m driving, I still aim for efficiency!).
Sometime I hear people express a seemingly romantic thought like this one from Emily Bronte, “Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” If you experience regular differences in your relationship Bronte’s idea may make you feel like something is wrong with your marriage. But research can reassure us on this point:[i] Difference are, in fact, essential to a rich rewarding relationship. Why?
Here are a few reasons:
- As individuals we often have an inability to see our self clearly. We lack accurate self-perceptions[ii] (e.g. only one percent of people think they are less attractive than average).
- Our relationship can provide a different perspective of who we are and how we impact others. Relationships are mirrors–providing a clearer view of who we are by how we affect others.
- Differences between people create friction or intensity, but seeing our self from another’s perspective is crucial for our growth.
Differences actually create an opportunity for us to dig in and delve into a deeper level of understanding our spouse. If we disagree about how to raise children or spend money, we can take a little time to ask Why? Why do we each feel how we do? How does our family background influence how we think about this problem? Can we find some common ground or make a new tradition that accommodates our values? Can we show love in the midst of conflict or do we retreat and dig into our own perspective?
When we value each other’s differing perspectives, we grow closer. We begin to feel safe even in our most vulnerable places. We feel seen. When this intimacy grows there is a balm in our connection that can help smooth out any difficulties. I like this thought about the value of difference:
“IF YOU HATE DIFFERENCE, YOU’LL BE BORED TO DEATH.” ― TOBA BETA
Differences create diversity of thought and a newness that expands us. When we face conflict with love and think–HERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH–we transform our relationship from win/lose to win/win. No matter the outcome, we both feel valued and more connected. This requires a heart full of tenderness and open to growth.
JANE AUSTEN SAID IT BEST, “THERE IS NO CHARM EQUAL TO TENDERNESS OF HEART.”
Nothing creates love and intimacy as much as a tender heart. We are reminded in 1 Corinthians 13:7 “Love never gives up.” If conflict has been difficult in your marriage because it becomes or turns into contention, reevaluate how you approach your differences. Slow down the discussion and really SEE your partner’s perspective. Be curious about why they hold the perspective they do.
My husband’s tendency to wander instead of taking the direct route has taught me to embrace new ideas even amidst the routine of daily living. His perspective has encouraged me to live life with more curiosity. Dealing with differences between us doesn’t have to create problems; dealing with differences can give us opportunities to grow even closer together.
[i] Gottman, J. M. (1993). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: a longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 6-15.
[ii] Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy and desire: Awaken
the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.